Shakespearean Casson
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: parodies of Shakespeare done in the Casson style. including Hamlet, Romeo and Juliet, Taming of the Shrew and many, many more. Rose/Tom, Caddy/Michael, Bill/Eve and onesided David/Saffy


**Author's Note: a few little parodies, a bit of angst hidden away in here, of Shakespeare and Casson. Unfortunately David and Bill keep becoming the butt of the joke...it's not that I don't like them but...it just worked rather well...**

**Romeo and Juliet:**

"I forbid you to date Tom."

"Oh, how romantic! Now Rose and Tom have a forbidden romance like Romeo and Juliet, and they'll be sneaking around, eloping and then committing suicide together so they could never be parted!"

"..."

"Crikey!"

"On second thoughts, Rose you can date Tom just no sex until marriage and no marriage till you're thirty five!"

"I don't know, eloping and being forbidden sounded fun."

"Rose!"

"Hey, if Tom's Romeo and Rose is Juliet, then does that mean Indigo's Tybalt?"

"Only if you're Mercutio, if I have to die then so will you."

"I never knew you were so vicious, Indigo."

"Mmm...I find it highly attractive..."

A choked up sound of disgust could be heard.

"That was me, gagging."

"NO SEX UNTIL YOU'RE ALL MARRIED!"

Eve breezed in the room dreamily. "But Bill, darling, wasn't Caddy our love child before we got married?"

**Much Ado about Nothing:**

"That's right, David is sick with love for Saffy," Indigo said loudly.

Saffy paused outside of the kitchen door and waited for whoever Indigo was talking to, to speak. "I know he's been so mopey all week. Kind of depressing, really," Tom agreed just as loudly. "He's been claiming all sorts of crap."

"Killing himself because she would never love him in return. It's very depressing because he's the right guy for her. He would take care of her and step back and let her do her own thing, unlike some of those more attractive men who steal her purse."

"He doesn't sleep – which makes him really grumpy, worse than you actually -, doesn't eat – which is so out of his character – and he can't breathe! It must be true love and Saffy is being so cruel to deny him the right to show her this love!" Tom said dramatically.

Saffy barged into the kitchen causing Tom and Indigo to find their breakfast far more interesting. "If you think I'm stupid to fall for that trick, then you got another thing coming. I studied Much Ado in GCSE year too, remember?"

"Ah..."

"Well you see..."

"Dave believed Sarah and Rose when they did their part," Indigo finished calmly.

"What? The idiot! Isn't he in your English class? Shouldn't he have noticed what was going on? Why the hell did Sarah and Rose go along with it?"

"I think they're looking at it as a practical joke," Indigo said frowning in disapproval.

There was a knock on the door, Tom struggling to hide his laughter, said, "Why don't you open it?"

Saffy glared at him and stomped through the hallway before wrenching open the front door. There stood David with his hair slicked back, wearing a rather bright shirt and shiny shoes while holding out a bouquet of cheap flowers.

Saffy slammed the door into his face.

**Taming of the Shrew:**

"I'm sorry Michael...and Alex, but neither of you can marry Caddy until my youngest daughters also marry," Bill declared, deciding this was the best way to get rid of the two annoying persistent men that kept trying to court his eldest daughter. It was nice to know that Caddy was admired but to be woken up by the terrible attempts of the two boys trying to serenade her at two in the morning was enough to make him put a stop at it all.

"But Daddy!" Caddy wailed. "Rose is barely ten! I'll have to wait for years to get married!"

"Then the one that will wait the longest is the one worth marrying you."

Indigo (who had been watching this for the past few months, it was sadly the only true source of entertainment lately) spoke up, "Just marry Rose off to Tom and Saffy to David, that way we know all three of them will be looked after and respected."

"What? I can't marry David!" Saffy shrieked. "He's not good-looking, intelligent, funny, and witty or even brave enough to marry me. He'll faint on the wedding night!"

"Then he's perfect!" Bill declared.

"What century is this? When did it become law again for fathers to pick out their daughter's husband? I'll get married when I want to and there's nothing to stop Caddy from living in sin with either Michael or Alex. Personally I'm hoping its Michael because it's obvious you disapprove of him!"

Rose looked up from her painting. "I'm not getting married at all. Who wants to end up like Mummy and Daddy? Not me, I think Caddy should live in sin with Michael."

Bill turned all shades of purple and Michael laughed with delight, he turned to Caddy and said, "You know, I don't know which one is the shrewdest. Saffy or Rose?"

**Hamlet:**

_Indigo...Indigo...wake up...Indigo..._

"What?" Indigo snapped rudely.

"Don't take that tone with me young man!" Bill scolded him.

Indigo rubbed his eyes and blinked at Bill. "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"I've come back for my revenge, listen Indy, Derek has killed me so he could marry your mother, you must kill him to avenge me."

"But Derek is still in Africa, he couldn't have killed you!"

"He killed me! Now avenge me!"

"Dad, it's two in the morning. Get Rose to avenge you, she likes being violent."

"I'm not going to make my little girl do something as disgusting as killing someone."

"Oh, but making me kill Derek is all right. Yeah, sure you don't do favouritism Dad," Indigo muttered sarcastically. "Go away, I'm tired and have school in seven hours." He rolled over and tried to go back to sleep.

_Indigo...Indy...Indy...wake up..._

"Right that's it!" Indigo snapped jumping out of bed and going down the stairs.

"You're going to avenge me?" Bill asked eagerly.

"No I'm looking up for the local exorcists' phone number."

**Othello:**

"Let me get this straight, Sarah is cheating on me."

"Yes."

"With David."

"That's right."

"With _David_?"

"I told you already, didn't I?"

"Toney, are you on crack?"

"What?"

"I know we don't know each other very well but still if you're taking drugs, you should find someone to rely on so they could help you."

"I'm not on drugs you stupid retard! I'm trying to get you so jealous that you'll kill your girlfriend and get into trouble and I'll have my ultimate revenge!"

"Right...and you couldn't pick anyone more realistic for Sarah to cheat on me with? I mean David? He's terrified of Sarah's shadow!"

**King Lear:**

"You wanted to speak to us Daddy?" Rose said as she, Saffy and Caddy entered the living room.

"Yes, it is a very sensitive matter. You see girls, I'm writing my will and-"

"Don't worry, Bill. We'll make sure that Eve won't use it for hamster bedding," Saffy said.

"No, no, it's not that. Aside from a certain amount I'm leaving your mother (don't pull that face, Saffy darling, Eve has looked after you since you were two) I am going to make one of you my sole heir. My sole heir will be the one that loves me the most."

"Well count me out, I neither love or hate you. You're just some pompous git that impregnated my mother while he was married to my aunt. I don't want anything from you really," Saffy said coolly.

"I'll keep that in mind on your birthday," Bill said stiffly. "Rosie Pose?"

"Oh, naughty Daddy!" Rose burst out. "You're trying to play us against one another like that stupid old king! He ended up blind; you don't want one of us to take your eyes now do you?"

Bill was wondering what on earth schools teach kids these days.

"Daddy darling!" Caddy cried out. "Don't you think it's a bit vain to try and get us to flatter you? Why don't you just split it up into four equal bits?"

"Because he's being stupid," Saffy said snidely.

Maybe Bill should just leave everything to Indigo...

**Twelfth Night:**

"Right, let me get this straight. Sarah had a brother that died long, long ago and she's using him as an excuse to never go out with Tom while she's being seduced by Indigo. Who Rose thought was dead after an accident that left her abandoned at Tom's grandmother, because there was no girl clothes, Rose has been dressing as a boy and Tom thought she was a guy called Ross. Somewhere along the line, Tom fell for 'Ross' and went through a lot of panic about being gay and Indigo and Sarah eloped. Rose reveals she's a girl and now they're going to get married, have I got this right?"

"You forgot David in his strange yellow socks."

"Right...Caddy, darling. Have you ever thought about not eating cheese before going to bed?"

"But Michael Darling! Ever since I've gotten pregnant I've been craving cheese and been having weird dreams about the future!"

"I think this is just a sign that baby number two is a true Casson."

**A Midsummer's Night Dream:**

Eve painted and painted.

Bright, deep, green forests bloomed onto the canvas. Different coloured fairies sparkled into the background, the great Puck who (for some reason she wasn't sure why) resembled Tom was sprinkling love juice into a man's eyes. Bill's eyes though it was either Demetrious or Lysander.

The chaos in the Shakespearean Play was something similar to the chaos of Casson family life. Messy, crossing over one another, muddled and brightly coloured. But she couldn't help wonder, if her life was chaotic at Midsummer's Night Dream, then was she Hermia or Helena?

Was Linda simply Hermia without a Lysander? Never truly loving Bill and wanting to be out on her own. Or was she the Helena? Never wining Demetrious because Hermia was selfish enough to keep hold of him, ignoring the advances of Lysander.

Or is she Helena? Bill came back in the end but is it with the effect of love juice? Has all the other Hermia's in the world spurned him so badly that he's now willing to go back to Helena?

She did not know. She felt insecure. And therefore she must paint.

**Macbeth:**

"You, boy!" an elderly lady said pointing to Indigo. "You will become the lead singer of your band if you kill your most dearest friend. You shall have all the fame and riches you desire until a rose will kill you and destroy all you gained."

Indigo blinked. "I can't even sing."

"That's what modern technology is for!" the elderly woman cackled.

"And I don't particularly want my little sister to go on a murdering rampage and Tom is my first best friend, so I think I'll just ignore this prophecy," Indigo walked away from the elderly woman.

"You can't escape fate, dearie!" she called after him.

"Mrs Macbeth!" Caddy shouted. "You must stop escaping from the nursing home, it's not safe and you're scaring Mum out of her mind when you use her painting class as an escape route!"

**The Tempest:**

"This is the last time I'm ever going on holiday with your family!"

"You said that last year, Tom."

"Yes but last year we didn't get stranded on an island, did we?"

"Well...no..."

"Or had baby Buttercup screaming twenty four/seven because his diapers are all soaked, or had Saffy whine constantly about the lack of signal, or had Bill trying to be all survival instinct only to break his leg, or had Eve become this wild dominant woman, or Rose dis...Who am I kidding? Rose always disappears."

"If it makes you feel better, Buttercup is always crying, Saffy has always been dependant on technology, Dad has never been good at anything that meant labour and I always thought Rose and Saffy must have gotten their dominant side from someone."

"That, Indy, does not make me feel better."

A large burst of wind echoed across the island and everyone shuddered. Rose came running down a hill looking excited. "You never guess! There's a mansion up there and a strange looking man! There's food and clothes and bed and fires, it's so cool!"

A strange looking man that made everyone flinch in disgust came hobbling down the hill. He was looking at Saffy in a way that neither Bill, Indigo, Michael, Tom or Saffy liked. "Welcome, Caliban is willing to serve high and mighty masters, yes he does, and he is willing to have such lords to serve..."

"Oh, look!" Caddy shouted pointing out to the sea. "There's a boat!"

The Cassons have never run so fast in their lives before nor have they ever swum so fast.


End file.
